Deep down, we’re all animals in bed. After all, sex is an extremely primal act, and when we use our verbal human brains to talk about it and sometimes during it while it’s clear that the tongue and the groin are linked.
Research shows that a couple’s sexual satisfaction is directly linked to their ability to give positive sexual feedback verbally and negative sexual feedback non-verbally, In fact, a few choice words can set off the arousal response as swiftly as a sensual touch (especially in women, who are more turned on by ideas than by visuals), but an off-color or way-too-raunchy phrase from a dude in your bed can turn you off just as quickly. Read on to learn how language affects your sex life and how you can use your words to make sex so awesome, you’ll find it hard to speak.
During the deed
Two excellent reasons to eschew silent sex: by piping up, you can help your guy make you feel good and make things hotter for him. So why are we so scared to raise our voices? “People aren’t taught how to talk erotically,” says sexologist Dr Ava Cadell, author of The
Sexy Little Book Of Sex Games. “We’re left fumbling, trying to figure out what to say.” We tend to default to what we’d like to hear, she adds, which is often very different for men and women. Psychologists know that women are turned on by erotic story lines and
emotional talk (cough, cough… Fifty Shades Of Grey), while men gravitate towards visual language and explicit talk (nudge, pornography, nudge).
That’s why, just when you’re working up the nerve to moan, “I love you,” he might take the opportunity to announce that he loves your breasts. Also, not to get all “men are from Mars”, but psychologists have established that men and women use their words
differently. “In general, men like to say it as it is, while women tend to paint a picture with their words, tapping into their emotions and experience in detail,” says Rudolph.
What further complicates it is that, in all the excitement, the words that come out of his mouth may be along the lines of: “Yeah, you like that, you.” Women respond well to erotic language, says Rudolph, but dirty talk directly out of a porno is often too spicy for the average woman’s palate. “Rather than getting you aroused, you might find it upsetting and disconnecting, resulting in loss of arousal.”
How to Make it Work
Too shy to get vocal? To up your sigh-Q, “pretend you’re 10 times bolder than you actually are,” suggests Cadell. Take a breath and feign confidence. Then start with heavy breathing, working up to two standbys: his name and yes, she adds. When you see that he
loves it, you won’t have to fake the boldness (or anything else, for that matter). If you want him to be more vocal, get all up in his neck
and whisper-ask him what he’d like to do to you, adding: “Don’t leave out any details.”
Wish he’d tone it down instead? Murmur, “Dirty talk isn’t my thing, but I want you to whisper in my ear about how this feels.” Then respond appropriately when he follows your lead. This is classic conditioning and works so much better than just complaining or being dismissive, says Rudolph. “You’re telling him exactly what you want and rewarding him for doing it.”
Talking about it
Raise your hand if you’ve heard this already: being able to talk about your sex life translates to a better time in the bedroom. Some sample topics that are hugely important but kinda hard to discuss while he’s fumbling to get the condom on or off: what worked for
you, what you want more of, whether you’d like to have sex more often, more slowly, or while wearing stripper heels.
How to Talk about it
A casual time to broach the topic without feeling too awkward? While watching a TV show or movie in which the characters talk about their love lives. “Use a fun, non-threatening tone,” says Rudolph. “He’ll be more comfortable and follow your lead if you sound confident about your feelings.” Another prime time to talk, believe it or not, is during the early part of foreplay – when you’re kissing and still dressed. “This is the right time to give him specific instructions,” says Rudolph. The best way is to tell him what you’ve been
fantasizing about: “I thought it would be really hot if you…” should do the trick. And if you purr some pointers in advance of the main
event, they’ll actually become part of the fun. Cadell likes a game called “I bet you didn’t know I…” in which you take turns completing the sentence with phrases such as “want you to come first tonight” or “think it’s hot when I leave my skirt on.” Yes, the “let’s play a game” line will take a little guts, but we promise he’ll love it.
How to Make Him Mmmm
The animal kingdom gives us a hint of what we’re holding over from our primate roots. “In monkeys, female vocalization increases the likelihood of male orgasm,” says psychologist Dr David Ley, author of The Myth Of Sex Addiction. Female cries of pleasure draw the attention of other monkeys. “So the male who’s in the saddle is prompted to ejaculate sooner and harder to compete with other potential mates who might come along.” Among humans, “female vocalizations seem to provoke male orgasm,” adds psychologist Dr Christopher Ryan, co-author of Sex At Dawn. In other words: your happy noises speed him along. Men’s much quieter approach to sex might also be an evolutionary mechanism in this case, to avoid attracting other monkeys’ attention, thus keeping the she-monkey to
oneself. “But it may also reflect the male tendency towards stoicism, a quality that’s socially reinforced,” adds Ley. Letting go of inhibitions and making sounds during sex can have the nice effect of tricking yourself into being more aroused. “This is the one place where faking it is okay,” says Rudolph. “It will help you get there in the end.”